panromantic-asexual
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What Does It Mean to Be Both Panromantic and Asexual? =====================================================
What’s the short answer?
Panromantic and asexual are *not* synonymous — they’re two different identifiers, with two different definitions.
Someone on the asexuality spectrum could use both identities in order to best name their lived experience with romantic (panromantic) and sexual (asexual) attraction.
But, identifying as one doesn’t imply identifying as the other!
Got questions? Read on to learn more.
What does it mean to be panromantic?
While your sexual orientation names who you want to have sex with (if anyone), your romantic orientation names who you want to spend time with, well, romantically (if anyone).
“Romantic orientation names who you feel a pull toward, who you desire to cuddle or make dinner with, and who you want to spend all your time with,” explains graysexual panromantic Elle Rose, founder of asexuality spectrum resource Secret Lady Spider and co-host of The Invisible Spectrum podcast.
Panromantic is one of many romantic orientations. Other romantic orientations include homoromantic, heteroromantic, and biromantic.
“Someone who’s panromantic can experience romantic attraction to someone regardless of their gender,” she explains.
In a nod to the prefix ‘pan,’ some panromantic individuals identify as such because they have the potential to be romantically attracted to people of all genders, including men, women, non-binary, bigender, agender, and non-gender folks.
To be clear: All people have a romantic orientation *and* a sexual orientation.
“It may be common for people on the asexuality spectrum to name their romantic orientation, but people all across the sexuality spectrum have a sexual orientation,” says Rose.
Sometimes people’s romantic orientation and sexual orientation align. For instance, someone might be bisexual and biromantic.
And sometimes they don’t. For instance, someone may be panromantic and asexual. This is known as being ‘cross-oriented’ or ‘mix-oriented.’
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“The most common definition of ‘asexual’ is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction,” explains Angela Chen, author of “Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex.”
The opposite of asexual is allosexual. Allosexual folks are those who do have the capacity to experience (regular) sexual attraction.
Are there other identities under the asexual umbrella?
Indeed!
Here’s where this can get a li’l confusing. Ready?
Sometimes people use ‘asexual’ as an umbrella term, allowing it to stand in for another non-allosexual or non-alloromantic identities.
For example, someone who’s demisexual, graysexual, or cupiosexual — all of which are terms that name sexual attraction that occurs rarely or only under certain circumstances — might identify as asexual.
Likewise, someone who’s aromantic, demiromantic, or grayromantic — all of which are terms that name romantic attraction that occurs never, rarely, or only under certain circumstances — might identify as asexual, too.
This means that you get to decide what ‘asexual’ means to you, should you decide to identify that way.
What does it mean to identify with both?
Someone who’s panromantic asexual is naming that they:
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Just as there’s no single way to be lesbian and homoromantic or heterosexual and heteroromantic, there’s no single way to be panromantic and asexual.
Generally speaking, it’s common for someone who’s panromantic and asexual to:
What does this mean for partnered relationships?
“It’s possible for someone who’s asexual to be in a romantic relationship,” says Chen. If you’re asexual and panromantic, it’s possible to be in a relationship with someone of any gender.
“You might choose to be with someone who’s also on the ace and asexuality spectrum OR with someone who’s allosexual,” she says.
“Of course, not all allosexual/asexual relationships will work,” she adds. “No relationship is guaranteed.” Fair point!
Also worth mentioning: Some ace folks thrive in polyamorous or open relationships, which allow them to get their romantic needs met while allowing their partner (if they’re allosexual) to get their sexual needs met elsewhere.
So it may be helpful for you to spend some time noodling on your relationship orientation and preferred relationship structure. KY Jelly
Is it OK to not want a relationship at all?
Of course!
Just because someone can experience romantic attraction to someone, doesn’t mean they need or want to be acting on it at all times, or ever.
Think about it like this: Someone who’s heterosexual and heteromantic, for example, is absolutely allowed to be single and never desire a relationship, right? Well, same goes for panromantic and asexual folks.
Plus, romantic and sexual relationships aren’t the only kinds of worthy relationships. There are also platonic relationships, spiritual relationships, familial relationships, and intellectual relationships, to name just a few.
What does this mean for sex?
“Sometimes people think that they can’t identify as asexual if they’ve ever had sex,” says Rose. “This is false. Someone can absolutely identify as asexual and have had sex previously.”
In fact, someone might identify as asexual and have sex currently, she says.
There are a number of reasons outside of sexual attraction that someone who’s asexual might choose to have sex, either in a partnered or solo context.
This might include:
How do you know if you’re aligned with these categories at all?
Like other sexual and romantic orientations, someone is panromantic and asexual because they identify that way — not because they passed some panromantic asexuality quiz or checked off a prerequisite list of identifiers.
The only way for you to know if you identify as panromantic or asexual is to reflect on the way you experience romantic and sexual desire as well as when and for whom (if ever or for anyone).
Where can you learn more?
Luckily, there are a number of different places you might turn to learn more about panromantic asexuality!
Some books you might read:
Some podcasts you might listen to:
Some online resources you might check out:
Finally, don’t snooze on the wondrous world of social media! There are some brilliant asexuality activists, influencers, and educators who post regularly. Find them by searching relevant hashtags.
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a queer sex educator and wellness journalist who is committed to helping people feel the best they can in their bodies. In addition to Healthline, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Women’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called Bad In Bed. Follow her on Instagram @Gabriellekassel.
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